Steamed Hams, but it's Family Guy style:
by maxparker89
Summary: Considering how much Steamed Hams has become a beloved Internet meme, I thought I'd take the liberty of doing my own variation of the classic sketch and do my own variation of the story, Family Guy style. And in this variation, it has everyone's favorite dog and infant: Brian and Stewie, also, keep your eyes peeled out for a cameo from Meg.


**Steamed Hams, but it's Family Guy style**:

* * *

It was typical normal sunny day in Quahog, the sun shone in the sky and birds were singing. But it was soon to become, for a lack of a better wording… Abnormal.

Brian Griffin, the Griffins family dog, was out on the town driving in his silver 2004 Toyota Prius, when he received a text from Stewie, the family's baby on his cell phone. Pulling his car over to side, Brian saw that his friend's message read, "Hey Bri, could you pick up some sparkling apple cider and come home in a few? I got lunch prepared for us. Thanks, dog!"

Quick as a flash, Brian sent his answer, "Sure Stewie, anything for you."

A reply was sent, "You're the best!" Then, another text was sent to Brian, "Also, would you mind appearing at the front door and ringing the doorbell?"

To which Brian asked with an eyebrow raised, "Why?" Normally, the white Labrador was considered a part of the family, but whatever plans Stewie had concocted left the latter rather surprised.

"Because." was the answer.

"**Because**, why?" Brian asked.

The answer came faster than you think, "Just because. Please, Brian?"

Brian simply rolled his eyes and answered with an emoji for his answer, "Fine."

One last reply was sent, "Thanks, Bri." Stewie's text came complete with both a smile and thumbs up emoji.

* * *

Having returned home, following Stewie's instructions, Brian rang the doorbell. Stewie answered the door, he had an apron on with the words, 'Mama's Little Chef'. "Well Stewie, I made it… Despite your directions."

Giving his friend a big hug, Stewie beamed, "Oh Bri, welcome home, old bean. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."

Annoyed, but trying not to show it, Brian simply nodded. "Yeah." He then took a seat at the dining table and left the bottle of sparkling apple cider in an ice chiller.

Stewie then entered the kitchen. As he did so, he was chattering away to himself how excitedly about everything was going perfectly, "Oh, **this** is going to be just perfect. Like how Captain America knew of that _Wizard of Oz_ reference Nick Fury made in _The Avengers_."

In Stewie's mind, we saw that exact cutaway gag:

* * *

Onboard SHIELD's Helicarrier, Captain America aka Steve Rogers, was talking with his fellow comrades: Tony Stark aka Iron Man, Bruce Banner aka The Hulk, Thor Odinson (Loki's half-brother) and Natasha Romanoff aka Black Widow. Beside them was Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD, they were talking about plans to make Thor's adopted baby brother/arch-nemesis Loki Laufeyson crack into talking about the whereabouts of the Tesseract, along with astrophysicist Erik Selvig and one of their own teammates, Clint Barton aka Hawkeye.

Steve spoke up about Loki's scepter, "I'd start with that stick of Loki's. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon."

"I don't know about that, but it **_is_** powered by the cube." Fury said, he then frowned. "And I'd like to know **how** Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys."

Thor was confused, so he asked, "Monkeys? I do not understand."

Steve smiled in nostalgia and answered, "**I** do… _Wizard of Oz_, 1939."

Tony rolled his eyes in disgust, "**What?**" Steve said sheepishly, "I understood that reference."

Tony gave Steve a nasty frown. "Sheesh, Capsicle… You're old as Hell."

Steve returned the favor with his own frown and pointed an accusing finger at Tony, "Oh, go **fuck** yourself, Stark."

"You kiss your mother with that mouth, friend Captain?" Thor asked in surprise.

"**Not now, Thor/Point Break!**" Both men said angrily.

"I still don't understand **that** reference!" Thor whined, still confused about who or what this 'Pointbreak' was that Tony talking about.

It was a shocking moment between both men for the entire team to bear witness and to say the least.

* * *

Back in the kitchen, it soon became clear to Stewie that the oven started ruined a roast he was making, a little bit of smoke appeared. Panicked, Stewie ran over and looked at the mess, he let out a heavy gasp, "Oh, egads… My roast is ruined!" If he didn't calm down, Stewie was about to cry, "Brian's gonna kill me when he finds out."

Calming down immediately, he saw a McBurgertown out the window, he was saved, "But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" He cackled evilly and said, "Delightfully devilish, Stewart Gilligan Griffin."

Hanging up his apron, Stewie fixed to make a clean getaway…

But entering the kitchen himself, Brian called out, "Stewie, I…" Noticing that Stewie was escaping, he frowned.

* * *

Inside their minds, a clip show of sorts displaying their best memories was going on, as an invisible choir sang, the following song:

"_Stewie with his crazy explanations,  
good old Brian is gonna need his medication,  
when he hears Stewie's lame exaggerations,  
there'll be trouble in town tonight!_"

And with that said, the clip show ended…

* * *

Back in the kitchen, Brian yelled his friend and the infant's name, "**STEWIE**!"

Caught off-guard, the infant turned around. "Oh, hello, Brian. I was just… Uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill." He showed off some of his technique, just to prove he was doing what he said. "Isometric exercise, care to join me?"

Pointing to the oven, Brian asked, "Why is there smoke coming out of the oven, Stewie?"

The infant looked at the oven and replied, "Huh? Oh, that isn't smoke, Brian. It's steam… Steam from the steamed clams we're having." He rubbed his tummy and licks his lips in delight. "Mmm, steamed clams."

"Oh, sounds good." Brian said calmly, his face becoming less stern. He then left his friend to resume his work. Stewie then sighed in relief and he set his plan in motion by running out the window.

* * *

While Stewie was away, Brian placed a napkin in his lap and poured himself and Stewie some glasses of the cider. A few moments later, Stewie came back carrying a silver platter, which had four cheeseburgers and four helpings of French fries. "Oh Brian, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers."

Not looking up, Brian was busy on his cell phone currently texting someone, "Sure, Stewie, of cour…" He then did a double take by shaking his head and put down his phone. Something was off, he knew it, so he asked, "Wait a minute… I thought we were having steamed clams?"

Stewie simply laughed and sat down, "No, no. I said, '**steamed hams**'. That's what I call hamburgers."

Eyeing the hamburgers suspiciously, Brian asked, "You call hamburgers steamed hams?"

"Yes, it's a regional dialect." Stewie answered.

Not convinced, Brian pretended to go with the flow. "Uh-huh. Uh, what region?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

To which Stewie answered, "Uh, upstate Newport."

Now **that** had Brian interested. "Really?" Stewie nodded. "Well, I'm from Austin, Texas." He shrugged at the situation and held out one paw. "And I've never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams."

Stewie shook his head, "Oh, not in Austin, no. It's a Rhode Island expression."

Things beginning to sound more clearer, Brian nodded. "I see."

* * *

As he and Stewie ate their food and drank their cider. It was not until Brian noticed something was out of place, he removed a bun from one of the patties. "You know, Stewie, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at McBurgertown."

Thinking Brian was joking, Stewie just laughed sheepishly, "Oh, no. Patented Griffin burgers, old family recipe."

But Brian was not convinced, he arched eyebrow, "For steamed hams?"

"Yes." Stewie answered rather quickly, he hoped **that** was enough to have Brian resume eating as he himself ate.

Tragically, it was **not**. Brian went on questioning his friend, "Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled?" He showed off one of the burger patties, causing a chain of events that resulted in Stewie not having a lie for once.

"Ye…" Stewie stammered. "You know, the… One thing I should…"

Growing impatient with his friend's stalling, Brian drummed a finger on the table, "Stewie? I'm waiting…"

Thinking up something, Stewie got out of his chair, "Excuse me for one second."

Nodding, Brian simply said, "Of course." And Stewie took off, while he resumed eating.

* * *

A few minutes later, Stewie came back from the kitchen, yawning and stretching, he spoke, "Well, **_that_** was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."

When Brian didn't answer, Stewie looked at his friend, "And I'm sure you need get back to that novel you've been writing, Brian."

Taking advantage of his friend's silence, Stewie went on. "Maybe a main character has a delicious meal? Something like what you've just been through?"

He continued to speak, "Draw from real life experience? Little fine five-star quality dining?"

Brian continued eating, "You know? Work it into the story? Make a few pages to keep the reader guessing what's the author's favorite foods?"

Stewie was enjoying every moment of this, "Some twists and turns? A little epilogue?"

The infant then added in a much higher falsetto, "Everybody loves good food, so will the reader."

Returning to his normal voice, Stewie said, "Oh, I look forward to reading it".

Brian finished his burger and looked at his watch, "Yes, Stewie, I should be going by n…" Smelling the smoke coming from the kitchen, he pointed in the direction of the origin of the smell, "What the hell is happening in **there**?"

Thinking fast, Stewie answered, "Aurora borealis."

As it just so happened, Brian had seen his share of the northern lights… Some on dates, some alone by himself. "Aurora borealis?" The dog spluttered. "At this time of year, at this time of the day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within our kitchen?"

Nodding, Stewie answered, "Yes."

Fascinated, Brian's eyes became all puppy-dog like as he wagged his tail wagged in excitement as he asked, "May I see it?"

Making up his mind as quick as a flash, Stewie simply said, "No."

Disappointed, Brian's eyes went back to normal and his tail stopped wagging, "Aww."

* * *

Outside the Griffins residence, as Brian and Stewie left the house, Meg's voice could be heard, "Stewie, the house is on fire!"

Looking up near his older sister's window, Stewie simply answered, "No Meg, it's just the northern lights."

It was safe to say, today had been a mind-boggling day for Brian, who looked at his friend, "Well, Stewie, you **are** an odd fellow, but I must say… You steam a good ham."

Touched, Stewie asked the dog, "Do you really mean that, Brian?"

Nodding, Brian gave the infant a big hug, "Of course, Stewie. I'll see you home later tonight."

"Later, Bri." said Stewie.

Brian then began to leave, just Meg still called out in pain, "Help!" He briefly turned around in confusion, just as Stewie put a thumbs up indicating all was good, although technically, it was not.

"Help!" Meg cried once more.

Eventually, Brian drove away in his Prius…

Stewie then went back inside and called the operator, "Hello, operator? Get me the number for the fire department!"

A fire truck then headed on its way to the Griffin's residence, the fire was put out, but Meg was brought to the police station… The reason for this was because there were some in the department who would never believe that an infant like Stewie could start a fire. Eventually, she was let off with a warning by the family's neighbor and hardworking police officer, Officer Joe Swanson.

At the end of the day, it was safe say, Brian and Stewie had many zany and unforgettable adventures in the past, but they would never forget this one delicious meal, until the day they died, even if the phrase 'steamed hams' was not **that** well known. What adventure life would have in store for them next time was something only time would tell… But that's another story for another time…

* * *

**THE END!**

* * *

**Author's notes**:

* So that was **Steamed Hams, but it's Family Guy style**, and I'm proud to say of how it turned out. Now granted, I could've chosen any other characters to be in this situation, such as Peter and Quagmire, but I chose Brian and Stewie instead as they're my favorite characters.  
* _Family Guy_ and its characters, plus everything else are owned by the very talented Seth MacFarlane.  
* Captain America and all Marvel properties are belong to Marvel comic books, the dialogue shared between him and his teammates (minus my additions and editing) belong to the remarkable Joss Whedon, who both directed and wrote the script for _The Avengers_ (2012).  
* If you all have to ask, during the line in the cutaway based off _The Avengers_, when both Steve and Tony say "Not now, Thor/Point Break!", it's Steve who says 'Thor' and Tony who says 'Point Break'. Incidentally, I have not seen that film Keanu Reeves, but I hope to one day.  
* Steamed Hams dialogue originally from _The Simpsons _episode 22 Short Films About Springfield, created by the universally entertaining Matt Groening.  
* If you have to ask, here's what I figure the other Griffins were doing at the time of the story: Peter was probably at the Drunken Clam with his buddies. Lois was probably giving a piano lesson elsewhere or grocery shopping. Chris was probably with his friends. As for Meg, why she was in the house? Maybe she was doing some of these things: Doing her homework, looking online for a boyfriend or job, who knows? The possibilities for her are endless.

* * *

Until next time people, I'm **maxparker89** signing off…


End file.
